I am electricity in every way it can be expressed. My vibration is a subtle unique song whispered by me. I have come to know it, to understand it’s innermost corners and yet still I am so unique the expression continues to unfold. A long long time ago, I never stopped to listen to myself. My senses were teased, seduced and bombarded by everything external. Eat me, touch me, be me and be happy. Achievement, external experience promised a never ending myth of fulfillment that left me oddly empty and unknown.
My anchors to life were tied to the things outside of me. The way I experienced them were the stories I told myself. Many were echoes of pain and emotional discord. Although many would say I was fine I knew I was not well. As dull as my ears were I could perceive that inwardly I was filled with deep pain, as if I was screaming.
Many of us know that we feel this way but we are so unconscious to ourselves and we lack any skills to fundamentally make a difference. Solutions that lie upon the surface are as unproductive as dismissing ourselves with drinks and company that need to escape themselves as well. Seeking solace in smoking, pills and anything that can shut off the pain for just a little bit.
The bravest thing and at first the most painful thing that I have ever done in my life is to face myself. To know and understand who I am and why I feel the way I do. To channel the deepest parts of my expression of pain into something profound and meaningful so that when I look behind me it will make sense to others and when I look within I will know that is what my life came here to give.
The first step, the secret step to deeply loving myself began in a hug. I wrapped myself in a smile and went to meet me.
